noctis himself has said things that put jonas on edge even if they always had a reasonable explanation. "plausible deniability" is a term he's heard too many times in his life to be fond of it, and his treatment of his friend now, planting himself firmly on the fence of whatever this is is leaving a bad taste in his mouth.
the fear of rejection, however, is overwhelming. jonas presses the back of his hand to a burning cheek. to experience that here, dead, as well as at home, living, would be one disappointment too many.)
Did you text me at 1am to give me the 3rd degree? It wasn't what I was doing. idk man that wasn't my actual intent initially. Like I was making conversation and it just went there.
[ And doesn't that just cover everything? Instead of playing it cool, instead of playing it safe, instead of allowing Jonas to do either of those things, he's ambling into a very bitter form of honesty that rebels against his own sense of prudence.
Or, at least, his shadow is. ]
Lemme ask you smth else, bc smth you said stuck with me.
jonas knows that he could easily overshare to prove a point, a plot to force noctis to back off a little, which only makes something bitter in him stir.)
(because it reads like a thought he's had countless times.)
It's funny that "anything else" always seems to wind up being bad company, though, yk what I mean?
(he was determined, once, to step up to the kitchenette's cupboards to fetch a glass for his water. instead, vertigo forces him to grab for the tap handle directly, staring down into the sink as his mind reels. come on, now. you of all people, jonasβ)
Choosy? Must be nice to have a choice. His relationships are forged through duty and need, predetermined before his own birth, and his ability to influence them has been void... until now. Until his arrival here. Here he can do anything. Here he has the potential to find out who Noctis really is. ]
Maybe you're giving me too much credit on what I know and don't know.
(the door doesn't immediately close. it feels as though jonas' life has become light shining in through the crack it remains open, his influence lingering in the first text. as lines progressively blur, however, only his shadow, who easily shuts him out, is present in the next.
he shuts off the tap, splashed face still dripping, and checks a hip into the counter to swipe out another text.)
Are there any questions in your arsenal I'm gonna like? If not, no, actually, you can't. I'm done being put on the spot by ppl who couldn't give a shit about my answers.
[ A fork segments his dessert as he impatiently awaits his answer, resentment already building over anticipated deflection. So when it doesn't come he pauses, the taste of cherry pie on his tongue and frustration still held in his chest β he's forced to swallow both as he starts to type a reply. ]
You'll like it if that's really how you're feeling lmao. This one puts you in charge.
Am I the company you have here because you can't afford to be choosy? Or is it more?
he's never been in charge once in his fucking life.)
How is this needy question smth I'd actually enjoy? What did ppl do to you when you were alive to make my reply such a mystery to you?
I like you. I thought me being constantly up your ass would've spelled that out p effectively.
You don't put on some fake face or gag me w/ optimism 24/7 when we hang out. You're shy but not annoying shy, like it's charming and I don't have to stress myself out trying to make you comfortable. You're chill but I can also tell you're angry, and I relate to that.
[ His own desperation is spelled out for him in so many words and he's left for a brief moment to puzzle over his own "neediness". Jonas asks what people have done to him and he scoffs alone at his table, fingers rubbing at the corner of his mouth as he covers an expression twisted into a sneer. ]
Glad you find my anger so appealing, since you'll probably see more of it tbh. Wouldn't want to waste my time talking to a guy that couldn't handle it.
After all, you've already told me I'm not pretty enough to be worth putting up with any extra bs that wasn't already on your list.
(water beads off a blunt chin through the lighting of a cigarette, and jonas squints toward his drafty window. if noctis could see him now, would he think he looked cool smoking in the dark?
shifting, positioning his hand differently, he thumbs the filter. maybe he should take a picture.)
Cute.
iirc you threw that one right back at me. So ig what I'm wondering is if you're calling me out bc you're trying to prove smth or bc you wanna hear me say it again?
[ It's the most direct anyone's ever been with any kind of flirtatious intent with him, male or female. But... the warmth sinking down into the pit of his stomach is one he's suddenly convinced wouldn't accompany any sultry words from a woman. Again he's picturing broad shoulders and a warm chest, tongue pressing to the roof of his mouth, the feeling not necessarily one that's new to him but it is new for him to be in a situation where he could action it.
This isn't a passing thought in a mostly empty locker room or disproportionate attention paid to a commercial starring a handsome, smiling actor. This is real, this is just the two of them, and home is a thousand miles away. ]
Do I want to read you sending it again?
[ A not-so-gentle correction. ]
I'll scroll up if I end up that desperate/bored. Hearing I'm not good enough in one category vs another isn't so exciting to me that I need it more than once.
(not immune to the emotions of others, jonas feels guilt as though it were a stomach bug. instead of the onset of nausea forcing him to make rushed apologies, however, or play the fool to dodge responsibility altogether, he lets it piss him off.
their previous message is opened, searched with a singular focus, and his reply comes a few minutes later.)
lmfao I'm not "fixing" anything for you. I told you your bullshit about being able to break out of here was way too self-righteous. Do you know how many times I've heard things like "we'll figure it out" only for nothing to get figured out?
No, you're not pretty enough to suddenly convince me I'll be magically revived. You'd have to solve all my problems at home, too, so I didn't just die all over again anyway. And why should that even be your responsibility?
Forget all that. Ask me my opinion and I'll give it to you straight up like I just did.
You're right, it's hard, so let's just immediately give up. Fuck all of it right?
[ Can apathy be acidic? ]
Idk maybe some part of you is actually onto smth. Apparently w/e you'd be rushing back into is juicier than you made it sound and what I'd be rushing back into is hell for me and everyone around me.
So yeah. We'll figure it out. And maybe figuring it out is accepting that you and I have a cursed touch. Lucky us.
Give me your opinion so I can stop thinking about that shit for 5 seconds.
I'm sick to death of trying so hard all the time. Some ppl aren't made for throwing themselves at the same thing over and over just to improve their lives by 0.01%. Maybe I want to stay here and actually be free from scrutiny and ppl's bullshit expectations.
If we're cursed idgaf. I think it's time for us to act a little selfish, don't you?
(his first step in that is choosing to give noctis exactly what he wants, which could only ever benefit him. honest answers. they'll change this from a morose but ultimately innocent conversation into something else, and both of them damn well know it.
that's why it's so exciting.
addicted to that feeling, jonas, breathing smoke into his lungs only to exhale it at his phone screen, takes the risk.)
You're gorgeous, like I doubt I've ever seen anybody who looks like you before. I thought that as soon as I had a panic-free moment to lmfao.
yk the CPR thing? I might've been out of it, but the fact of the matter is that I woke up and made an executive decision.
[ His first few words make him angry but in a way he's guarded against, anticipating an argument that he understands in his very bones and the fact that it's his own weaknesses verbalized makes it both comfortable and worse all at the same time.
But what follows...
The prongs of his fork scrape against porcelain as he soaks in an affirmation that sends a jolt down his spine, throat tight with a newfound excitement that has yet to be tainted with stress. Right now his mind is morbidly accepting of his situation and that's one that isn't filled with reasons to comport himself prudently or regally. Jonas is attracted to him... and he's attracted to Jonas. ]
Wow look at you admitting it. I defended you for way too long yk, said there was no way you did it on purpose or at least no way you should be blamed lmao. But you knew.
You're more messed up than I thought.
Did you still think it was me when you did it? You're lucky it wasn't. I probably would've punched you in the face.
You're just sitting in that diner soaking all this up, aren't you?
Well, when ppl don't ask, I don't tell. Why should I? It's cute you defended my honour, hon, but that doesn't mean I owe you smth. Do you think you automatically have a right to know all about me and not the other way around?
bc I've got no doubt in my mind you'd hit me, but that doesn't mean you wouldn't be into it.
You said you were thinking about me so you shot me a text. What were you thinking about?
Leave it to you to tell me to ask and then to get defensive when I keep it up. You've got a captive audience. Am I supposed to feel bad about it? Sure I want to know all about you bc my world and your world couldn't be further apart.
And I'm not talking about Earth vs Eos but I'm gonna trust that you caught that much.
I was thinking about you and me at the festival. Might've been the best I felt in a while. Here. In this shithole. And I'm pretty sure I should feel guilty about that for 100 reasons but yk what? I seriously can't rn.
I wonder why I'm getting defensive? lmfao just forget it. I got it.
Wanna know smth for free though? Being made to feel bad about feeling good is bullshit. I told you before everything went bonkers at the harvest fest that we could do whatever we wanted in this place. I meant it.
I'm gonna do everything I was too scared to do at home.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
noctis himself has said things that put jonas on edge even if they always had a reasonable explanation. "plausible deniability" is a term he's heard too many times in his life to be fond of it, and his treatment of his friend now, planting himself firmly on the fence of whatever this is is leaving a bad taste in his mouth.
the fear of rejection, however, is overwhelming. jonas presses the back of his hand to a burning cheek. to experience that here, dead, as well as at home, living, would be one disappointment too many.)
Did you text me at 1am to give me the 3rd degree? It wasn't what I was doing. idk man that wasn't my actual intent initially. Like I was making conversation and it just went there.
What is even happening rn
no subject
[ And doesn't that just cover everything? Instead of playing it cool, instead of playing it safe, instead of allowing Jonas to do either of those things, he's ambling into a very bitter form of honesty that rebels against his own sense of prudence.
Or, at least, his shadow is. ]
Lemme ask you smth else, bc smth you said stuck with me.
Are you lonely rn?
no subject
jonas knows that he could easily overshare to prove a point, a plot to force noctis to back off a little, which only makes something bitter in him stir.)
ofc I'm lonely. I've been lonely for a long time.
Are you?
no subject
Sometimes.
Some days all I want is to be on my own and some days all I want is anything else. Maybe I just don't have enough people around me that get it.
It gets old
no subject
(because it reads like a thought he's had countless times.)
It's funny that "anything else" always seems to wind up being bad company, though, yk what I mean?
(he was determined, once, to step up to the kitchenette's cupboards to fetch a glass for his water. instead, vertigo forces him to grab for the tap handle directly, staring down into the sink as his mind reels. come on, now. you of all people, jonasβ)
Can't afford to be choosy.
no subject
Choosy? Must be nice to have a choice. His relationships are forged through duty and need, predetermined before his own birth, and his ability to influence them has been void... until now. Until his arrival here. Here he can do anything. Here he has the potential to find out who Noctis really is. ]
Maybe you're giving me too much credit on what I know and don't know.
Can I ask you smth else?
no subject
(the door doesn't immediately close. it feels as though jonas' life has become light shining in through the crack it remains open, his influence lingering in the first text. as lines progressively blur, however, only his shadow, who easily shuts him out, is present in the next.
he shuts off the tap, splashed face still dripping, and checks a hip into the counter to swipe out another text.)
Are there any questions in your arsenal I'm gonna like? If not, no, actually, you can't. I'm done being put on the spot by ppl who couldn't give a shit about my answers.
no subject
You'll like it if that's really how you're feeling lmao. This one puts you in charge.
Am I the company you have here because you can't afford to be choosy? Or is it more?
no subject
he's never been in charge once in his fucking life.)
How is this needy question smth I'd actually enjoy? What did ppl do to you when you were alive to make my reply such a mystery to you?
I like you. I thought me being constantly up your ass would've spelled that out p effectively.
You don't put on some fake face or gag me w/ optimism 24/7 when we hang out. You're shy but not annoying shy, like it's charming and I don't have to stress myself out trying to make you comfortable. You're chill but I can also tell you're angry, and I relate to that.
no subject
[ His own desperation is spelled out for him in so many words and he's left for a brief moment to puzzle over his own "neediness". Jonas asks what people have done to him and he scoffs alone at his table, fingers rubbing at the corner of his mouth as he covers an expression twisted into a sneer. ]
Glad you find my anger so appealing, since you'll probably see more of it tbh. Wouldn't want to waste my time talking to a guy that couldn't handle it.
After all, you've already told me I'm not pretty enough to be worth putting up with any extra bs that wasn't already on your list.
no subject
shifting, positioning his hand differently, he thumbs the filter. maybe he should take a picture.)
Cute.
iirc you threw that one right back at me. So ig what I'm wondering is if you're calling me out bc you're trying to prove smth or bc you wanna hear me say it again?
no subject
This isn't a passing thought in a mostly empty locker room or disproportionate attention paid to a commercial starring a handsome, smiling actor. This is real, this is just the two of them, and home is a thousand miles away. ]
Do I want to read you sending it again?
[ A not-so-gentle correction. ]
I'll scroll up if I end up that desperate/bored. Hearing I'm not good enough in one category vs another isn't so exciting to me that I need it more than once.
Unless you want to fix what you said.
no subject
their previous message is opened, searched with a singular focus, and his reply comes a few minutes later.)
lmfao I'm not "fixing" anything for you. I told you your bullshit about being able to break out of here was way too self-righteous. Do you know how many times I've heard things like "we'll figure it out" only for nothing to get figured out?
No, you're not pretty enough to suddenly convince me I'll be magically revived. You'd have to solve all my problems at home, too, so I didn't just die all over again anyway. And why should that even be your responsibility?
Forget all that. Ask me my opinion and I'll give it to you straight up like I just did.
no subject
[ Can apathy be acidic? ]
Idk maybe some part of you is actually onto smth. Apparently w/e you'd be rushing back into is juicier than you made it sound and what I'd be rushing back into is hell for me and everyone around me.
So yeah. We'll figure it out. And maybe figuring it out is accepting that you and I have a cursed touch. Lucky us.
Give me your opinion so I can stop thinking about that shit for 5 seconds.
no subject
I'm sick to death of trying so hard all the time. Some ppl aren't made for throwing themselves at the same thing over and over just to improve their lives by 0.01%. Maybe I want to stay here and actually be free from scrutiny and ppl's bullshit expectations.
If we're cursed idgaf. I think it's time for us to act a little selfish, don't you?
(his first step in that is choosing to give noctis exactly what he wants, which could only ever benefit him. honest answers. they'll change this from a morose but ultimately innocent conversation into something else, and both of them damn well know it.
that's why it's so exciting.
addicted to that feeling, jonas, breathing smoke into his lungs only to exhale it at his phone screen, takes the risk.)
You're gorgeous, like I doubt I've ever seen anybody who looks like you before. I thought that as soon as I had a panic-free moment to lmfao.
yk the CPR thing? I might've been out of it, but the fact of the matter is that I woke up and made an executive decision.
no subject
But what follows...
The prongs of his fork scrape against porcelain as he soaks in an affirmation that sends a jolt down his spine, throat tight with a newfound excitement that has yet to be tainted with stress. Right now his mind is morbidly accepting of his situation and that's one that isn't filled with reasons to comport himself prudently or regally. Jonas is attracted to him... and he's attracted to Jonas. ]
Wow look at you admitting it. I defended you for way too long yk, said there was no way you did it on purpose or at least no way you should be blamed lmao. But you knew.
You're more messed up than I thought.
Did you still think it was me when you did it? You're lucky it wasn't. I probably would've punched you in the face.
no subject
Well, when ppl don't ask, I don't tell. Why should I? It's cute you defended my honour, hon, but that doesn't mean I owe you smth. Do you think you automatically have a right to know all about me and not the other way around?
bc I've got no doubt in my mind you'd hit me, but that doesn't mean you wouldn't be into it.
You said you were thinking about me so you shot me a text. What were you thinking about?
no subject
And I'm not talking about Earth vs Eos but I'm gonna trust that you caught that much.
I was thinking about you and me at the festival. Might've been the best I felt in a while. Here. In this shithole. And I'm pretty sure I should feel guilty about that for 100 reasons but yk what? I seriously can't rn.
no subject
Wanna know smth for free though? Being made to feel bad about feeling good is bullshit. I told you before everything went bonkers at the harvest fest that we could do whatever we wanted in this place. I meant it.
I'm gonna do everything I was too scared to do at home.
You want in on that?