(on one hand, he's far less spitfire in person; he wants to be angry. on the other, it seems like the rational thing to do. why is it so difficult to choose something that seems so basic?)
[ Sasuke reads it as a non-answer, a simple default in his mind to a "no". Fair enough, though to address Jonas's concerns after being told not to put him down presents him with a unique challenge. ]
I do believe that you're naive in some respects, and I believe your standards are low for friendship. I'm not saying it to insult you.
(pitches his hammer down, sick of working himself to death. he's done, and if they want to give him rude looks or tell him he hasn't been doing enough for the cause? they can go fuck themselves.)
[ He could argue the point, but it would defeat his purpose and he'd be fighting without facts. Besides, how equipped are they to judge each other thus far, truly? ]
I've offered, your response is what I'm waiting for.
I'm east of camp, on the ridge overlooking the forest past the boulder.
I answered, you just can't read people's tones in text messages.
(a petty goodbye, turning his face to the east with an explosive sigh. he doesn't want to do this, but he still likes sasuke. why can't one thing go right for them?
he arrives a few minutes later, stopping short at the boulder to stare down the bank of the ridge. there's a bizarre thought on his mind when he spots sasuke there, realizing he half-expected him to have lied and left.)
[ He clicks his tongue at the clapback, deciding he deserved that one. Fair enough, and something for him to work on.
Sasuke's still in the middle of rereading their conversation when Jonas arrives, head lifting for a glance back at him. He's seated near the edge, purposeful in how he angles his body as to keep his hand well out of sight. They don't need distractions, and it counts as one. ]
Jonas. [ A quiet greeting, eyes lowering to the spot next to him in wordless invitation before he turns his gaze back out at the landscape before them. ]
(takes him up on the offer, lapsing into a short silence.
everything about it is strange, but it's obvious that sasuke isn't used to the company of others. he's been all over the board with communication, at once too honest and too vague. saying that aloud would make him a hypocrite, though, when he hasn't been forthcoming himself.)
It's fine. (it is and isn't, neither of them planning on dropping the matter so quickly.) It's not your fault it came out that way... I know that, but it doesn't make hearing it any less crappy.
[ He avoids looking at him again, unwilling to accept that anything is fine and that anything isn't his fault. Jonas had come across more blunt and agitated via text; should they have stuck to that format?
No... this is better. ]
The emotions are my fault, as was their misdirection. I'm not angry at you, Jonas, and I wasn't then either.
See, you think I don't know. And I do. (tiredly, knowing it's a simple explanation but one he capitalizes on to better convey his point however briefly it was touched on.) ... but you're here trying to work through it with me and... I don't know. That means something to me.
(despite the harsh words that sit on his shoulders like weights. they'll needle at him little by little unless he airs them out.
the tree line is black in spots, but the rest hide their infection well.)
What do you want to do? Like, if I'm... a source of stress or somethingβΒ (unable to finish, not at all sure of his own direction.)
I don't mean to imply that you hadn't suspected as much, it's merely that... [ He trails off, losing his words in a brief moment that betrays his lack of comfort with the conversation. His lack of familiarity. ]
I don't want to leave room for ambiguity or misunderstanding.
What I do want is for us to continue speaking and supporting one another as we have, this is just a new situation for me. And it isn't a decision that can be made by one person alone.
(letting that stew a moment before finally looking over at him. sasuke's eyes are averted and his expression seems drawn, yet everything he's saying now sounds unguardedly sincere.
jonas knows how typical it is of him to hesitate and back down, but the transgression wasn't unforgivable.)
An argument here and there isn't gonna' ruin anything, I don't think... just so long as we communicate the way we are now. (lifts a hand to drop it onto his shoulder, a repeat of the physical gesture he made by the bonfire weeks ago.) We get on pretty well together, so let's keep it up.
Got any hangups about me you wanna' get off your chest, or... I don't know, anything I can clarify for you?
[ The touch jerks him from his stupor a moment before it lands, catching the movement out of the corner of his eye. Just like that? Another show of affection, simple, and yet enough to get him to immediately tense up beneath it? ]
You're-- [ That shoulder lifts slightly before he forces himself to settle, aware of how apt an illustration this is of just what he wants to bring up. ]
Why are you accepting and forgiving so quickly? You were slow to accept this place, and yet with me after repeated signs and warnings you're still here acting like this. No further demands or accusations or questions.
(doesn't let the hand linger, not after the stiffening sasuke does beneath it. he's gotten his point across, but maybe it's too soon for affection jonas would consider ordinary. they're not from the same world and that'll be important to remember moving forward.
does have to sniff at the questions though, skin beneath his eyes creasing when he looks down. they're still bruised from sleeplessness, nightmares from the leyline keeping him placid.) Well, you're the one who called me desperate. Maybe I have low standards. (there's an edge to it that's not quite as joking as he'd like it to be.)
... you called me a couple names, man. It's not the end of the world. If I called you an ignorant asshole with self-esteem issues, what would you do? Tell me to go to hell and never speak to me again?
No. [ That's an easy one, the easiest answer he's given to anyone all day. ]
But those words mean nothing to me. The ones I used on you did, at least at the time, to you. Besides that... you've shown yourself to be a kind person. There are clearly things you have yet to share with me, but they don't yet seem to be any kind of negative indictment of your character. [ Which isn't the case in reverse, and he knows that. But they're both just carrying on as if they don't. ]
Perhaps I should stop questioning you. But there's a lot I don't understand.
(raising his hands, making a calming gesture that helps him focus on what he needs to say without getting frustrated. they're talking, which means they're one step closer to clearing the air. be patient, he thinks with a slow breath in. the fresh air helps him cope with his headache and fatigue.)
Sasuke, if you have questions to ask, ask. I can guess at what they are, (if they didn't taint stiles' opinion of him, then sasuke's easy street,) but I haven't purposely kept anything from you. And I'm certainly not some piece of glass, or delicate enough to be hurt by curiosity. There's justβΒ it's never a good time.
(he hasn't thought of himself as "kind" for some time now. he wouldn't even consider himself a good person. he's never been told otherwise... shyly, his head turns away.)
You said you've been hinting at things I should know but don't, too. I'm... I'm sorry if I ignored them, but the floor's open if you want to share.
I don't think you're keeping things from me intentionally or with malice, [ he clarifies first, though he allows a pause between Jonas's words and his own to keep from seeming too insistent. Defensiveness isn't needed right now, certainly not from him. ]
You said there were things you wanted to tell me before, and I asked to wait for an in-person meeting. There's that... and what you said to me when I was influenced by the ghosts. You talked about possession with a familiarity that didn't match that night itself.
[ Which has his cards all lain on the table, so to speak, more visibly hesitant with the last point. ] I don't relish in the idea of sharing, I'm just surprised at your trust. That's all.
(his stint in juvie. his tangle with the sunken. two defining breadths of time brought up within the minute, matching sasuke's hesitance for a different reason.
it's all his life boils down to, isn't it? what else has he done, accomplished?)
Where to begin? (bridging their divide with a light chuckle and a purposeful glance over, as though they're sharing in an inside joke. the constant flexing and lacing of gloved fingers, still healing, gives his nervousness away.) ... I got sentβΒ Jesus, okay, let me rewind a bit. I've never had a good relationship with the law. I told you about my hometown, right? In like, the first couple days after we arrived?
I haveβΒ I had this thing for stealing. I did a lot of breaking and entering, basically robbing people. No one could ever prove I had a hand in it. So, since I'm still young, I never got into any trouble.
(which isn't the part he regrets. no one got hurt and it was something he could do well, almost proud of his identity as a sneak thief. it took skill that yielded immediate results, unlike school where assignments and exams were difficult and stressful. best of all, jonas never felt responsible for hurting another human being.
levity leaves him and his body language closes off, ashamed.)
Last year, after my mom got diagnosed with cancer, I was completely out of it. Like, worried and upset and angry. And one day, at school, this kid in my grade pitches a ball at my head... I don't know why, he kept saying it was a joke. (between him joking and goading, it's still easy to assume the latter.) SomethingβΒ something inside me broke, I think. I beat him hard, put him in the hospital, and did a year for it in juvie.
βsorry, a juvenile detention centre. It's like, a jail for people under eighteen.
[ Sasuke is silent as Jonas speaks, head tilted in his direction with eyes half-lidded, watchful. Appraising. There's a certain honesty to the way in which Jonas expresses himself, a few pauses and redirects but nothing calculated like he's seen with Stiles or entirely closed off like he himself is. Not guarded to the same extent, if still a little wary at times regardless.
And yet...
Here he is so brazenly confessing not just to assault, which in Sasuke's mind sounds ill-advised but wholly justified, but also to robbery... and with a certain entirely unexpected sense of self-satisfaction about it. It actually gives Sasuke pause, lips parting to speak but a failed first attempt leads into a delayed second. ]
... you went to jail for a year? [ It isn't funny, but the darkness of the situation and their shared but entirely different circumstances makes him want to laugh. Is it relief that they have something in common? A kind of kinship, maybe, that makes Jonas feel less like something to put on a pedestal and treated carefully and more like an equal. ] And they didn't show leniency in that case? It'd be difficult for anyone to react rationally with a family member in that condition...
(exhales like a heavy weight's been removed from his chest, nodding an affirmative.) A little less than a year, yeah... nine months, then the rest in community service. (it feels better to get it all out in the open. he's grateful for sasuke questioning the sentence, not his transgressions.
it's not enough to occupy his hands with each other, reaching instead into his jacket to remove a lighter and his case of hand-rolled cigarettes.)
They argued the "dying mother" angle in court, butβΒ well, my stealing bit me in the ass. The more run-ins you have with the law, the less favourably they treat you. I was seventeen at the time and that didn't help; I toed the line between being tried as a kid or as an adult. (they expected him to be thankful he wasn't, that getting a year in juvie was a win.
humiliating. humiliating.)
I'm still paying for that... and I'm not saying I shouldn't be. It's just... branding, I guess.
[ He can't help it. The moment Jonas says "dying mother angle" he clicks his tongue, a note of severe distaste in spite of him mentioning it to begin with. It's something that should be considered quietly, but to be brought out in court... It's insult on top of injury in his eyes. ]
You paid for it. You hurt someone who provoked you and you gave a year of your life for that. He healed faster than that, I'd imagine, so to me it's extreme.
[ But that's Jonas's world, isn't it? That's something he has to remain ever aware of, just as he now feels the new weight of imbalance in their relationship. He's shared an intimate detail about his life; it would be wrong with how their bond has progressed to not do the same. ]
... I was also imprisoned, and also when I was seventeen. I didn't expect us to share that, but I understand what you mean about branding. If you ever need to talk about it, I'll listen.
(sasuke's disdain for his comment is warranted, and he can't say he didn't do the same in court. his lawyer warned him away from showing too much emotion. when the opposition decried his cold demeanour, he was prompted to show just enough to appear guilt-ridden. not upset, never upset, but penitent.
to hear that sasuke went through something like it jars him into straightening, lit cigarette hanging from his lips. it's plucked out, exhaled smoke waved off with a light cough.)
YouβΒ seriously?
(for what? a difficult ask, not wanting to cause him discomfort. sasuke didn't pry when curiosity struck its hardest, maintaining an open but respectful distance in case jonas became willing to share. he'll do the same for him, his friend, and bite his tongue. what a terrible experience to have in common.)
You know... the same goes, Sasuke. It's hard to go through that alone. (his father was the only one who visited him and he had a job to work, a sick wife to visit, medical bills from her treatments and the tim finster's recovery, the lawyer's chargesβvisiting him weekends and holidays was all he could manage.) All you want to do when you're in there is leave, but the second you get out? You think you deserve to go right back in.
(mindlessly offers sasuke another cigarette, the care he took to do them up obvious to anyone who's seen a pack of ordinary smokes.)
[ The smoke isn't shied away from on his part, instead inhaling slowly to savor a smell that carries with it a lot of old memories. Most of them unhelpful right now, and thus his exhale is far swifter. ]
Did you really think that? [ His head turns, eyes fixed back on Jonas's with a new reservation. A hint of a furrowed brow, sympathetic, but hesitant. It was hard going through it alone, but it was harder going through it with someone else. Why? The shame and guilt were more constricting than any ties they used to bind him, and now here Jonas is saying he thought a year wasn't enough. For hurting someone that spoke ill of his dying mother. ]
... I lost my voice. That's what I thought about when I got out. Just that... it took a day or two of practice for it to come back, but I wanted to pretend it took longer.
[ He moves to raise his hand despite himself, a sharp pang of discomfort reminding him of his own choice to keep it hidden. So he lowers it again, shaking his head at the offer. ] Did you do those yourself?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
And your own hilarious opinion of me.
You think I'm a naive, desperate, selfish dumb-ass. Don't you. You implied as much.
no subject
Would you prefer to discuss this in person?
no subject
Do not put me down again.
(as close to an agreement as he's going to get.)
no subject
I do believe that you're naive in some respects, and I believe your standards are low for friendship. I'm not saying it to insult you.
1/2
2/2
Whatever. Are we meeting up or not?
no subject
I've offered, your response is what I'm waiting for.
I'm east of camp, on the ridge overlooking the forest past the boulder.
no subject
(a petty goodbye, turning his face to the east with an explosive sigh. he doesn't want to do this, but he still likes sasuke. why can't one thing go right for them?
he arrives a few minutes later, stopping short at the boulder to stare down the bank of the ridge. there's a bizarre thought on his mind when he spots sasuke there, realizing he half-expected him to have lied and left.)
Hey.
no subject
Sasuke's still in the middle of rereading their conversation when Jonas arrives, head lifting for a glance back at him. He's seated near the edge, purposeful in how he angles his body as to keep his hand well out of sight. They don't need distractions, and it counts as one. ]
Jonas. [ A quiet greeting, eyes lowering to the spot next to him in wordless invitation before he turns his gaze back out at the landscape before them. ]
... I treated you badly. I'm sorry.
no subject
everything about it is strange, but it's obvious that sasuke isn't used to the company of others. he's been all over the board with communication, at once too honest and too vague. saying that aloud would make him a hypocrite, though, when he hasn't been forthcoming himself.)
It's fine. (it is and isn't, neither of them planning on dropping the matter so quickly.) It's not your fault it came out that way... I know that, but it doesn't make hearing it any less crappy.
no subject
No... this is better. ]
The emotions are my fault, as was their misdirection. I'm not angry at you, Jonas, and I wasn't then either.
no subject
(despite the harsh words that sit on his shoulders like weights. they'll needle at him little by little unless he airs them out.
the tree line is black in spots, but the rest hide their infection well.)
What do you want to do? Like, if I'm... a source of stress or somethingβΒ (unable to finish, not at all sure of his own direction.)
no subject
I don't want to leave room for ambiguity or misunderstanding.
What I do want is for us to continue speaking and supporting one another as we have, this is just a new situation for me. And it isn't a decision that can be made by one person alone.
no subject
jonas knows how typical it is of him to hesitate and back down, but the transgression wasn't unforgivable.)
An argument here and there isn't gonna' ruin anything, I don't think... just so long as we communicate the way we are now. (lifts a hand to drop it onto his shoulder, a repeat of the physical gesture he made by the bonfire weeks ago.) We get on pretty well together, so let's keep it up.
Got any hangups about me you wanna' get off your chest, or... I don't know, anything I can clarify for you?
no subject
You're-- [ That shoulder lifts slightly before he forces himself to settle, aware of how apt an illustration this is of just what he wants to bring up. ]
Why are you accepting and forgiving so quickly? You were slow to accept this place, and yet with me after repeated signs and warnings you're still here acting like this. No further demands or accusations or questions.
no subject
does have to sniff at the questions though, skin beneath his eyes creasing when he looks down. they're still bruised from sleeplessness, nightmares from the leyline keeping him placid.) Well, you're the one who called me desperate. Maybe I have low standards. (there's an edge to it that's not quite as joking as he'd like it to be.)
... you called me a couple names, man. It's not the end of the world. If I called you an ignorant asshole with self-esteem issues, what would you do? Tell me to go to hell and never speak to me again?
no subject
But those words mean nothing to me. The ones I used on you did, at least at the time, to you. Besides that... you've shown yourself to be a kind person. There are clearly things you have yet to share with me, but they don't yet seem to be any kind of negative indictment of your character. [ Which isn't the case in reverse, and he knows that. But they're both just carrying on as if they don't. ]
Perhaps I should stop questioning you. But there's a lot I don't understand.
no subject
Sasuke, if you have questions to ask, ask. I can guess at what they are, (if they didn't taint stiles' opinion of him, then sasuke's easy street,) but I haven't purposely kept anything from you. And I'm certainly not some piece of glass, or delicate enough to be hurt by curiosity. There's justβΒ it's never a good time.
(he hasn't thought of himself as "kind" for some time now. he wouldn't even consider himself a good person. he's never been told otherwise... shyly, his head turns away.)
You said you've been hinting at things I should know but don't, too. I'm... I'm sorry if I ignored them, but the floor's open if you want to share.
no subject
You said there were things you wanted to tell me before, and I asked to wait for an in-person meeting. There's that... and what you said to me when I was influenced by the ghosts. You talked about possession with a familiarity that didn't match that night itself.
[ Which has his cards all lain on the table, so to speak, more visibly hesitant with the last point. ] I don't relish in the idea of sharing, I'm just surprised at your trust. That's all.
no subject
it's all his life boils down to, isn't it? what else has he done, accomplished?)
Where to begin? (bridging their divide with a light chuckle and a purposeful glance over, as though they're sharing in an inside joke. the constant flexing and lacing of gloved fingers, still healing, gives his nervousness away.) ... I got sentβΒ Jesus, okay, let me rewind a bit. I've never had a good relationship with the law. I told you about my hometown, right? In like, the first couple days after we arrived?
I haveβΒ I had this thing for stealing. I did a lot of breaking and entering, basically robbing people. No one could ever prove I had a hand in it. So, since I'm still young, I never got into any trouble.
(which isn't the part he regrets. no one got hurt and it was something he could do well, almost proud of his identity as a sneak thief. it took skill that yielded immediate results, unlike school where assignments and exams were difficult and stressful. best of all, jonas never felt responsible for hurting another human being.
levity leaves him and his body language closes off, ashamed.)
Last year, after my mom got diagnosed with cancer, I was completely out of it. Like, worried and upset and angry. And one day, at school, this kid in my grade pitches a ball at my head... I don't know why, he kept saying it was a joke. (between him joking and goading, it's still easy to assume the latter.) SomethingβΒ something inside me broke, I think. I beat him hard, put him in the hospital, and did a year for it in juvie.
βsorry, a juvenile detention centre. It's like, a jail for people under eighteen.
no subject
And yet...
Here he is so brazenly confessing not just to assault, which in Sasuke's mind sounds ill-advised but wholly justified, but also to robbery... and with a certain entirely unexpected sense of self-satisfaction about it. It actually gives Sasuke pause, lips parting to speak but a failed first attempt leads into a delayed second. ]
... you went to jail for a year? [ It isn't funny, but the darkness of the situation and their shared but entirely different circumstances makes him want to laugh. Is it relief that they have something in common? A kind of kinship, maybe, that makes Jonas feel less like something to put on a pedestal and treated carefully and more like an equal. ] And they didn't show leniency in that case? It'd be difficult for anyone to react rationally with a family member in that condition...
no subject
it's not enough to occupy his hands with each other, reaching instead into his jacket to remove a lighter and his case of hand-rolled cigarettes.)
They argued the "dying mother" angle in court, butβΒ well, my stealing bit me in the ass. The more run-ins you have with the law, the less favourably they treat you. I was seventeen at the time and that didn't help; I toed the line between being tried as a kid or as an adult. (they expected him to be thankful he wasn't, that getting a year in juvie was a win.
humiliating. humiliating.)
I'm still paying for that... and I'm not saying I shouldn't be. It's just... branding, I guess.
no subject
You paid for it. You hurt someone who provoked you and you gave a year of your life for that. He healed faster than that, I'd imagine, so to me it's extreme.
[ But that's Jonas's world, isn't it? That's something he has to remain ever aware of, just as he now feels the new weight of imbalance in their relationship. He's shared an intimate detail about his life; it would be wrong with how their bond has progressed to not do the same. ]
... I was also imprisoned, and also when I was seventeen. I didn't expect us to share that, but I understand what you mean about branding. If you ever need to talk about it, I'll listen.
no subject
to hear that sasuke went through something like it jars him into straightening, lit cigarette hanging from his lips. it's plucked out, exhaled smoke waved off with a light cough.)
YouβΒ seriously?
(for what? a difficult ask, not wanting to cause him discomfort. sasuke didn't pry when curiosity struck its hardest, maintaining an open but respectful distance in case jonas became willing to share. he'll do the same for him, his friend, and bite his tongue. what a terrible experience to have in common.)
You know... the same goes, Sasuke. It's hard to go through that alone. (his father was the only one who visited him and he had a job to work, a sick wife to visit, medical bills from her treatments and the tim finster's recovery, the lawyer's chargesβvisiting him weekends and holidays was all he could manage.) All you want to do when you're in there is leave, but the second you get out? You think you deserve to go right back in.
(mindlessly offers sasuke another cigarette, the care he took to do them up obvious to anyone who's seen a pack of ordinary smokes.)
no subject
Did you really think that? [ His head turns, eyes fixed back on Jonas's with a new reservation. A hint of a furrowed brow, sympathetic, but hesitant. It was hard going through it alone, but it was harder going through it with someone else. Why? The shame and guilt were more constricting than any ties they used to bind him, and now here Jonas is saying he thought a year wasn't enough. For hurting someone that spoke ill of his dying mother. ]
... I lost my voice. That's what I thought about when I got out. Just that... it took a day or two of practice for it to come back, but I wanted to pretend it took longer.
[ He moves to raise his hand despite himself, a sharp pang of discomfort reminding him of his own choice to keep it hidden. So he lowers it again, shaking his head at the offer. ] Did you do those yourself?
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)