[That part's on you, Noctis, sorry... even if Cain hardly turned him down.]
on the condition that if i lost, i'd answer questions honestly he kept prying, like he was trying to figure something out it was so annoying
[... anyway,,,]
so we fought. i don't have to tell you that he pisses me off without even trying, he's a stubborn brat who doesn't know when to quit. at first i was gonna set the same rule if i won, but i changed it. so if i won he'd leave me alone. and so would you. look, i wasn't thinking when i said that. i was just angry.
There is so much to unpack here idek where to start
1. Human ask question to know other human, become friend, hunt together, share fire, ugh ugh
2. You are also a stubborn brat
3. Why did either of you think I'd just like Stand on the sidelines with my hands clasped against my chest like "Ohhh who will win? My fate is yours! I have no opinion or agency of my own!" "Nooo Noctis lost, now I can never speak to Cain again!" π
If you want to give up, then go ahead and stop But if you want to actually do what you said and do the right thing, what do you think you have to do? You said you fucked up Do you want to make it better? That's what you have to ask yourself man
[How is he supposed to say this? He doesn't know how to fix it now. Maybe it's easier to admit, this time, than it was in the desperation of that moment on the Sleipnir β where he feels like he's standing on a cliff again, and it's all about to fall apart.]
The most bitter part of him becomes skeptical. Because if Cain is this worried--enough to show him extreme vulnerability--then he must have done something terrible.
A far larger, more hopeful part of him calms that skepticism. There is an opportunity here to do what no one ever did for him: Give him a second chance.
As Cain panics, Jonas provides him with the reassurance he needs to continue.Β )
If you mean it, then you won't lose me I don't know what went down or why, and I can't control how I'm gonna react to it But it won't be forever I want to help I love you man, you were there for me There's no plan here for me to give up on you Either of you
[Kind words. A chance he doesn't deserve. He knows that it's probably going to slip out of his grasp as soon as he tells Jonas the rest, but β he can pretend for a moment that it's going to be all right. He needs to, if he's going to do this.
Cain slumps back in his seat, scrubbing his face with one hand, trying to sort out his thoughts as he goes on to explain. It might be the only opportunity he gets with Jonas to speak his own mind.
His eyes linger on I love you too long, bolstering himself. He doesn't know if he deserves them yet as Jonas's friend, but he wants to be worthy. He wants that so badly it's almost frightening.]
when i fight, it's like i stop thinking at all that's kind of the point, you know? i don't want to have to think, i fucking hate thinking about all this shit, everything, my whole life and all the shitty things i've done i'm a bad person, jonas, and i haven't told you the reasons why but one of them is what i did to noctis i was just trying to get the upper hand, i'll do anything to get it i don't have any shame. i can't afford it and haven't for a long time. i just wanted to win and i wanted to be right. so, i touched him. i crossed that line even though you told me to leave him alone. and then i kissed him too.
that's why he doesn't want to tell you about it that's why he hates my guts now that's why this can't be fixed
( Every line manages to blur into the next, and now that he's finished reading the text message, he finds he's retained no information from it. Scrolling back up to run through it again, the second outcome is the same as the first, and he stares at the last sentenceβwhere Cain's apology is writtenβconfused. This behaviour cycles for a few minutes; he sits silently, thumbing his phone screen with a steadily sinking brow.
It's a bit like a loop, actually: Doing the same thing over and over again. Dry eyes sink, then raise, then blink when they begin to water, yet the conclusion remains the same. So, if his life is repeating itself with only slight differences from the previous one, he has to wait only a few thousand years for the butterfly effect to erase this specific reality by handing him a new, better one.
Because this must be a brief temporal smudge from an alternate Cain and an alternate Noctisβnot his.
Jonas, accustomed to the spiral, knows well enough that he's in a heightened state, and he anchors himself with a firm bite of a tooth into the inside of his lip. It's sharp enough to cut tender flesh and cause him pain, which means it's shocking enough to do its job, rattling him out of his deepest thoughts and into the present.
But when disorientation and surprise are gone, all that's left to him is anger. )
[As soon as it connects he hears the explosion of Jonas's voice in his ear, but that's almost better than waiting for a message to be written through the datapad instead.]
Jβ [A hard breath.] Jonas.
Look, he won't... He's not gonna talk to me. [It sounds like an excuse.] It's already over. He said that, right? That we're done. I don't want to... I don't want to make it worse.
[If that's even possible now.]
It's justβ every time we try to talk, it goes wrong. I don't know. I don't know what happened.
( When he barks at the datapad's receiver, it seems he's heard enough. ) Shh, shut up. Shut up!
YouβDo you know what? Do you know why assholes like us get a bad rep? It's because of this shit. These... These bullshit excuses for why, like... when someone fucks up, they can't be the one to make it better. Like, it's a coward's way out, and I hate it.
And you'reβIt'sβYou know exactly what happened, too, and God, it pisses me off so much that you'd pretend you don't. "He's not gonna talk to me," "I don't want to make it worse," okay, boo-fucking-hoo! Own your shit!
If he tells you to your Goddamn face he doesn't wanna talk to you again, then that's when you can fuck off, but until then, you better work. Because he's sitting around thinking he pushed you too hard, and now he'sβI'veβJesus!
( His breathing becomes hoarse when he neglects it to yell, and it doesn't help that he hasn't had a bottle of water in an hour or two. )
I'm... I'm so disappointed in you, I can barely think straight. Jesus Christ, Cain.
[He's silent to the scolding. He lets it run its course, raking across the raw surface of complicated feelings β and even when he wants to defend himself, or question why the hell Jonas would ever compare them as the same ("assholes like us"?), he doesn't do it. He never got the time with Abel that they needed for a conversation, so the least he can do is see this one with Jonas through to the end.]
... Yeah, I know. I'm a coward too.
[Isn't that why he's here, trying to talk to Jonas? But maybe dragging Jonas into it was a bad idea from the beginning β it's just that he can't seem to escape the natural gravity of all three of them together. He can't know Noctis without Jonas. He can't know Jonas without Noctis. It's a strange and pendulous momentum dragging him back and forth, an awareness of the other's presence even when they aren't actually there.]
I'llβ I'll try. I owe you. I can... see if he'll talk to me. [Cain scrubs his face again, unseen. His own words are rough but they keep steady.] If he gives me a chance, maybe Iβ I can still fix it.
[Another breath, like he's struggling with himself.]
( Jonas wishes he were there to grab him. Get a stranglehold on his collar and shake him. He suspects there's sense up there in his skull, but he needs to hear it clatter around to believe it.
But Cain's attitude weakens him. It shouldn't, he can't let it, he knows that, but they've spent so much time together. Kissing. Touching. In a far more tender way than Noctis was kissed and touched, and meaningfully, and God, it was fun.
Obviously, Cain's not the only one who needs to grow up; he's been ignoring reality for too long. )
God, Cain, just... be the guy you are when you're with me. Try it, and I know how Noctis will react, man. If you're sincere. If you mean it.
Don't make excuses. Don't fucking explain. Just apologize, then shut up and listen to what he has to say, even when it's hardβespecially when it's hard. You can do this; you just did it with me.
I... I never wanna have this conversation again, man. I-I can't, ( he clarifies, voice wavering only briefly until it's steeled again.
No nonsense. Only a very real promise: )
You two are the best friends I've ever had, but I can't do this again. I need to live better, and I can'tβI'mβI don't want to leave you, but if you don't start treating him better, I'llβ
[It's hard to hear Jonas sound like this and know that it's his fault. There's a cold rock of dread in his stomach that has only grown over the course of their conversation, aware this will change something irrevocably. Maybe that's for the best. Isn't that what he was trying to achieve during his fight against Noctis anyway?
But he doesn't want to hear the desperation in Jonas's words, in that confession β best friends. Cain doesn't feel like he belongs in such a position, but what little he's come to know of Jonas's circumstances... makes him believe Jonas means it.
I need to live better. Cain wants that to come true for him, no matter what it takes.]
Okay. I get it. It won't happen again.
[There's not much more left to say, but he doesn't feel right being the first one to end it. So β he just hangs there in that breathing silence.]
( There's nothing left to say. They've touched on everything they needed to. Though Jonas feels indescribably worked up about the entire ordeal, he's glad to get this particular conversation out of the way, since it's only going to be more difficult from here on in.
Cain lingers guiltily on the line, and Jonas waits. Maybe to test him. Maybe to try to calm down. )
... You can do it. Tell me you can do it, then hang up and prove it.
[He wonders if it would have been easier had Jonas been angry with him and refused to engage any further. If there was a quick severing between them, as it was with Abel, a decision certain enough to deny hope β because at least he'd know how to deal with that. He's been dealing with himself for a long time.
But when Jonas offers that chance, and more than that demands the proof of Cain's intent, there's a fragile moment he's not sure it will be possible. Maybe he should just hang up. Maybe he should write everything off and go back to the existence he's so accustomed, alone, surviving. If he destroys it with his own hands, he has someone to blame.
... And then he thinks about all of their conversations, all the tender attempts at companionship by Jonas. The glimpses of understanding by Noctis.
The two of them are worth it.]
Ya mogu eto sdelat'. [A quiet confession in Russian, as if he needs to hear it that way first. He doesn't believe in himself, but if Jonas does, then maybeβ] I can. I'll do it.
[There's a rough exhalation before the call cuts out.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[That part's on you, Noctis, sorry... even if Cain hardly turned him down.]
on the condition that if i lost, i'd answer questions honestly
he kept prying, like he was trying to figure something out
it was so annoying
[... anyway,,,]
so we fought. i don't have to tell you that he pisses me off without even trying, he's a stubborn brat who doesn't know when to quit.
at first i was gonna set the same rule if i won, but i changed it. so if i won he'd leave me alone. and so would you.
look, i wasn't thinking when i said that. i was just angry.
no subject
1. Human ask question to know other human, become friend, hunt together, share fire, ugh ugh
2. You are also a stubborn brat
3. Why did either of you think I'd just like
Stand on the sidelines with my hands clasped against my chest like
"Ohhh who will win? My fate is yours! I have no opinion or agency of my own!"
"Nooo Noctis lost, now I can never speak to Cain again!"
π
You're both so fucking dumb
no subject
should i just stop?
i'm trying to be honest. i don't know what else to do.
no subject
But if you want to actually do what you said and do the right thing, what do you think you have to do?
You said you fucked up
Do you want to make it better?
That's what you have to ask yourself man
no subject
[How is he supposed to say this? He doesn't know how to fix it now. Maybe it's easier to admit, this time, than it was in the desperation of that moment on the Sleipnir β where he feels like he's standing on a cliff again, and it's all about to fall apart.]
i was wrong
i don't want to lose you
no subject
The most bitter part of him becomes skeptical. Because if Cain is this worried--enough to show him extreme vulnerability--then he must have done something terrible.
A far larger, more hopeful part of him calms that skepticism. There is an opportunity here to do what no one ever did for him: Give him a second chance.
As Cain panics, Jonas provides him with the reassurance he needs to continue.Β )
If you mean it, then you won't lose me
I don't know what went down or why, and I can't control how I'm gonna react to it
But it won't be forever
I want to help
I love you man, you were there for me
There's no plan here for me to give up on you
Either of you
1/2
Cain slumps back in his seat, scrubbing his face with one hand, trying to sort out his thoughts as he goes on to explain. It might be the only opportunity he gets with Jonas to speak his own mind.
His eyes linger on I love you too long, bolstering himself. He doesn't know if he deserves them yet as Jonas's friend, but he wants to be worthy. He wants that so badly it's almost frightening.]
2/2
i mean it.
when i fight, it's like i stop thinking at all
that's kind of the point, you know? i don't want to have to think, i fucking hate thinking
about all this shit, everything, my whole life and all the shitty things i've done
i'm a bad person, jonas, and i haven't told you the reasons why
but one of them is what i did to noctis
i was just trying to get the upper hand, i'll do anything to get it
i don't have any shame. i can't afford it and haven't for a long time. i just wanted to win and i wanted to be right.
so, i touched him. i crossed that line even though you told me to leave him alone. and then i kissed him too.
that's why he doesn't want to tell you about it
that's why he hates my guts now
that's why this can't be fixed
i'm just sorry.
1/2
It's a bit like a loop, actually: Doing the same thing over and over again. Dry eyes sink, then raise, then blink when they begin to water, yet the conclusion remains the same. So, if his life is repeating itself with only slight differences from the previous one, he has to wait only a few thousand years for the butterfly effect to erase this specific reality by handing him a new, better one.
Because this must be a brief temporal smudge from an alternate Cain and an alternate Noctisβnot his.
Jonas, accustomed to the spiral, knows well enough that he's in a heightened state, and he anchors himself with a firm bite of a tooth into the inside of his lip. It's sharp enough to cut tender flesh and cause him pain, which means it's shocking enough to do its job, rattling him out of his deepest thoughts and into the present.
But when disorientation and surprise are gone, all that's left to him is anger. )
2/2
Why the fuck are you apologizing to me!
no subject
Jβ [A hard breath.] Jonas.
Look, he won't... He's not gonna talk to me. [It sounds like an excuse.] It's already over. He said that, right? That we're done. I don't want to... I don't want to make it worse.
[If that's even possible now.]
It's justβ every time we try to talk, it goes wrong. I don't know. I don't know what happened.
no subject
YouβDo you know what? Do you know why assholes like us get a bad rep? It's because of this shit. These... These bullshit excuses for why, like... when someone fucks up, they can't be the one to make it better. Like, it's a coward's way out, and I hate it.
And you'reβIt'sβYou know exactly what happened, too, and God, it pisses me off so much that you'd pretend you don't. "He's not gonna talk to me," "I don't want to make it worse," okay, boo-fucking-hoo! Own your shit!
If he tells you to your Goddamn face he doesn't wanna talk to you again, then that's when you can fuck off, but until then, you better work. Because he's sitting around thinking he pushed you too hard, and now he'sβI'veβJesus!
( His breathing becomes hoarse when he neglects it to yell, and it doesn't help that he hasn't had a bottle of water in an hour or two. )
I'm... I'm so disappointed in you, I can barely think straight. Jesus Christ, Cain.
no subject
... Yeah, I know. I'm a coward too.
[Isn't that why he's here, trying to talk to Jonas? But maybe dragging Jonas into it was a bad idea from the beginning β it's just that he can't seem to escape the natural gravity of all three of them together. He can't know Noctis without Jonas. He can't know Jonas without Noctis. It's a strange and pendulous momentum dragging him back and forth, an awareness of the other's presence even when they aren't actually there.]
I'llβ I'll try. I owe you. I can... see if he'll talk to me. [Cain scrubs his face again, unseen. His own words are rough but they keep steady.] If he gives me a chance, maybe Iβ I can still fix it.
[Another breath, like he's struggling with himself.]
Let me try. Please.
1/2
But Cain's attitude weakens him. It shouldn't, he can't let it, he knows that, but they've spent so much time together. Kissing. Touching. In a far more tender way than Noctis was kissed and touched, and meaningfully, and God, it was fun.
Obviously, Cain's not the only one who needs to grow up; he's been ignoring reality for too long. )
God, Cain, just... be the guy you are when you're with me. Try it, and I know how Noctis will react, man. If you're sincere. If you mean it.
Don't make excuses. Don't fucking explain. Just apologize, then shut up and listen to what he has to say, even when it's hardβespecially when it's hard. You can do this; you just did it with me.
2/2
No nonsense. Only a very real promise: )
You two are the best friends I've ever had, but I can't do this again. I need to live better, and I can'tβI'mβI don't want to leave you, but if you don't start treating him better, I'llβ
no subject
But he doesn't want to hear the desperation in Jonas's words, in that confession β best friends. Cain doesn't feel like he belongs in such a position, but what little he's come to know of Jonas's circumstances... makes him believe Jonas means it.
I need to live better. Cain wants that to come true for him, no matter what it takes.]
Okay. I get it. It won't happen again.
[There's not much more left to say, but he doesn't feel right being the first one to end it. So β he just hangs there in that breathing silence.]
no subject
Cain lingers guiltily on the line, and Jonas waits. Maybe to test him. Maybe to try to calm down. )
... You can do it. Tell me you can do it, then hang up and prove it.
no subject
But when Jonas offers that chance, and more than that demands the proof of Cain's intent, there's a fragile moment he's not sure it will be possible. Maybe he should just hang up. Maybe he should write everything off and go back to the existence he's so accustomed, alone, surviving. If he destroys it with his own hands, he has someone to blame.
... And then he thinks about all of their conversations, all the tender attempts at companionship by Jonas. The glimpses of understanding by Noctis.
The two of them are worth it.]
Ya mogu eto sdelat'. [A quiet confession in Russian, as if he needs to hear it that way first. He doesn't believe in himself, but if Jonas does, then maybeβ] I can. I'll do it.
[There's a rough exhalation before the call cuts out.]