Won what? The loss of two relationships he hadn't even realized he'd started to rely on, to treasure so deeply? Their mutual distance had cut colder than he would have imagined; the past several days have felt like a gray haze, nothing enjoyable, nothing different than how it was for him before. Maybe he should've expected things would go back to normal eventually. He just didn't want it to.
There's a pause, corraling his anger back from another snappish reply when he reads what Jonas says. Old enough to watch the universe die. How is he even supposed to take that? How is he supposed to handle this fragile situation, when he's only ever known the use of violence?]
are you into me, or are you into noctis? i can't fucking tell, j
( High from whatever was passed to him around the campfire, ignoring Yazat calling him back to learn more of their instruments, he shakily lights a cigarette before responding.
He needs to calm down, but even with the world's edges blurred, its colours and sounds enhanced, and the meaning of it all making both more and less sense in this moment, he can't. Instead, he sways as if on a cliffside, the sensation of an altered state now simply an inconvenience. )
Seriously are you asking me that rn? Because I told you how I felt about you Do you seriously think I'm still lying? Two things can be true at the same time, I just idk Fucking god Whatever you want the whole thing here you go lol
I knew I was into you before Noctis but I was scared you'd react like this lol because it was no strings attached for us and I developed strings Nobody wants to hear that Guys never want to hear the girl's gotten attached or whatever You clearly didn't
And Noctis liked me, like finally someone liked me For me Then you two started flirting too and I like Things changed with you two, you staretd to get friendly even and then it was like this "oh no" kind of thing like I don't know man it sounds like I'm being selfish, and trust me I feel like shit about it too But I'm into both of you And I'm sorry ik that's not what either of you want to hear but it's the truth
Like dude I'm not gleeful this is happening I'm I just didn't want to lose you and now it feels like I am It feels like you don't even like me anymore like we're just being mean to each other for no reason and it's hurts
[It's hard to read. In the enormity of it, as he's processing everything Jonas lays out, he realizes there's a lot he could say β plenty of ways to lie so that Jonas would just move on already, so Noctis and Jonas could act on whatever it is they're putting off for his sake.
But Cain gets hung up somewhere on the details, somewhere in his own exhaustion with lying.]
first, i don't want to be mean to you you know i never have. i never want that. it's not who i am
but, look i was with someone before we got here, okay? the guy's reflection you saw on the crystal, if you didn't already put it together we never really had a name for it, but it felt serious and it didn't end well you saw that too
so it's not your fault that i was acting distant you say you got strings, then you're not the only one i'm just better at hiding it. and i really didn't know, 'cause you never said it. not in those words. maybe in other ways, but i could ignore those and i did
i feel like you've got two options here and it's pretty obvious what the right one is you guys wouldn't have anything in your way if i wasn't here
so can you just go talk to him?
[Whatever Jonas alludes to, whatever he's trying to say is between Cain and Noctis β it's harder to look at and harder to face. But it can be stopped.]
The simplicity of that request belies its enormity. He wants to rebel against it and the man behind it. Cain knows better than to expect him to do something he doesn't want to do, and Jonas knows better than to ignore the advice.
Where does that leave them, then? At some aggravating impasse, spinning their wheels?
He hates it. And he wants both Cain and Noctis to know he hates it. )
"I don't want to be mean to you" okay that's nice You still are Meanwhile I've said sorry to both of you and I get excuses back Good ones yeah like ik you were hurt really bad by your past with the guy in the reflection If you're not ready you're not ready But it beats me how this is just all gonna go away
If you want that then fine, like we can pretend this convo won't be literally the only thing we think about when we look at each other I wanna be realistic here like I'm not gonna just be able to shake this off I can't just "go talk to him" now yk that It's complicated with him too Everything is now and time/distance isn't doing anything to help
idk what to do Stay with the caravanners maybe idk That's not me trying to guilt trip you I just seriously don't think I can be around you guys and be normal about it
[Jonas isn't wrong. And in hearing this all laid out, Noctis' words echo in his mind as well β a reminder of his own fuck-ups when it comes to this boy he's grown to care for more than he can bear.]
i'm sorry.
i'm being a dick to you have been, this whole time i just i don't know what to do either
but don't stay with them that's not where you belong
( The apology results in an instant loss of steam. He doesn't have the heart to stay angry, and even that fizzled out the moment Cain began to discuss himself.
It really is one big miscommunication, isn't it? He wishes that would make him feel better, but instead it upsets him.
I missed my chance entirely, he thinks. With Cain. With Noctis. In whatever configuration hurt the least. )
I'm sorry too I'm really sorry like especially for the way I was talking to you It just wasn't fucking necessary lmfao I could've just talked to you Like I do trust you enough to do that I just got too in my head about it
idk where I belong so if you think you do then great One of us does You made it out of your situation alive and so did I and that's gotta be enough rn
[He wants to see him. The need is sudden, desperate enough to feel like he's choking on that urge β but he wonders if it would be a bad idea. If it would mess something up worse. He's afraid.]
i'll still be here i still want to be here, whatever ends up happening
No we didn't but in our defence like Literally how do you talk about something like that? It's an insane thing to just spring on somebody lol
If you want me around I'll be around, it'll just have to be just plain friendship idk I wouldn't be able to just shove everything down I hope it's just clear that like
[So Jonas is officially drawing the line between them. It hurts, even if it was already said before, if less clearly.
Why do those words on the screen blur when he looks at them? Cain realizes his eyes have teared up, which makes him grimace, pinching the wetness away before it can build any further.]
how do you say these things to people? how can i even believe them?
My mom taught me how And idk I just want to be like her if I can Gentle or whatever
I took a lot of the things I had for granted I let the things I didn't have make me bitter I don't want you to wake up one day thinking "shit I regret not trying again" just bc you think you're a piece of shit If you can't trust you then trust somebody who thinks you're great
[His mom. Cain wants to ask more β but is it really the right time, the right conversation? Not when he feels like this, crushing pressure in his chest and a lingering sense of loss.]
you're pretty incredible yourself you know that? i don't think i ever said it
( It's all exactly what he wanted to hear for so long, and from anyone.
Calling him incredible... Saying he's lucky to have met him... Cain isn't helping the rising feeling in his chest. He knows what it isβan urgency to see himβbut how inappropriate would that be right now? When Noctis is relying on him to wait, and in a way, so is Cain.
He presses the back of his hand to his face, wiping at hot tears.
[Seeing Jonas express that in words, he wonders wildly β why can't he just go see him? Don't they both want it? Then there should be nothing wrong with acting on this mutual desire to find each other, to take Jonas into his arms and say all the things he's held back up to this point.
But he knows why he can't. It isn't even that he sees Noctis as an obstacle, because that would be diminishing the impact Noctis has had on both of them.
Remembering their last conversation, Cain makes an effort. He doesn't want to stop talking to Jonas.]
yeah i know i feel the same
hey, can you tell me about your mom? if you want to
( Jonas notices. He wouldn't have, maybe, if it'd been any other subject. His school days, his superficial friendships, his keen interest in theft. Even his dad, or the other more distant family members.
The fact that Cain asks about his mom changes something.
If Cain wants to get to know her, then he's more than allowed to get to know her son. )
The ring on my necklace is hers Dad gave it to me when I got out of juvie She was always saying she'd give it to me when she passed away anyway but it doesn't fit any of my fingers so lol idk it's the most special thing I own
She was the best you would've really loved her Everyone did She was just kind Like actually kind That super rare kind where you just always wanted to be near her
Nobody's ever really been in my corner but her so like To hear that you guys help to keep me safe and stuff especially after I went through smth awful would really mean a lot to her
[The ring on a necklace. So cherished and special, it makes Cain want to see it, to admire it around Jonas' throat. But maybe he's missed that chance for good.
He can still hear about it, and imagine what kind of person Jonas' mother was.]
wish i could've met her. and i'm sorry that she's gone. what was her name again? noctis mentioned it once, but
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Won what? The loss of two relationships he hadn't even realized he'd started to rely on, to treasure so deeply? Their mutual distance had cut colder than he would have imagined; the past several days have felt like a gray haze, nothing enjoyable, nothing different than how it was for him before. Maybe he should've expected things would go back to normal eventually. He just didn't want it to.
There's a pause, corraling his anger back from another snappish reply when he reads what Jonas says. Old enough to watch the universe die. How is he even supposed to take that? How is he supposed to handle this fragile situation, when he's only ever known the use of violence?]
are you into me, or are you into noctis?
i can't fucking tell, j
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He needs to calm down, but even with the world's edges blurred, its colours and sounds enhanced, and the meaning of it all making both more and less sense in this moment, he can't. Instead, he sways as if on a cliffside, the sensation of an altered state now simply an inconvenience. )
Seriously are you asking me that rn?
Because I told you how I felt about you
Do you seriously think I'm still lying?
Two things can be true at the same time, I just idk
Fucking god
Whatever you want the whole thing here you go lol
I knew I was into you before Noctis but I was scared you'd react like this lol because it was no strings attached for us and I developed strings
Nobody wants to hear that
Guys never want to hear the girl's gotten attached or whatever
You clearly didn't
And Noctis liked me, like finally someone liked me
For me
Then you two started flirting too and I like
Things changed with you two, you staretd to get friendly even and then it was like this "oh no" kind of thing like
I don't know man it sounds like I'm being selfish, and trust me I feel like shit about it too
But I'm into both of you
And I'm sorry ik that's not what either of you want to hear but it's the truth
Like dude I'm not gleeful this is happening I'm I just didn't want to lose you and now it feels like I am
It feels like you don't even like me anymore like we're just being mean to each other for no reason and it's hurts
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But Cain gets hung up somewhere on the details, somewhere in his own exhaustion with lying.]
first, i don't want to be mean to you
you know i never have. i never want that. it's not who i am
but, look
i was with someone before we got here, okay?
the guy's reflection you saw on the crystal, if you didn't already put it together
we never really had a name for it, but it felt serious
and it didn't end well
you saw that too
so it's not your fault that i was acting distant
you say you got strings, then you're not the only one
i'm just better at hiding it. and i really didn't know, 'cause you never said it.
not in those words.
maybe in other ways, but i could ignore those and i did
i feel like you've got two options here and it's pretty obvious what the right one is
you guys wouldn't have anything in your way if i wasn't here
so can you just go talk to him?
[Whatever Jonas alludes to, whatever he's trying to say is between Cain and Noctis β it's harder to look at and harder to face. But it can be stopped.]
no subject
The simplicity of that request belies its enormity. He wants to rebel against it and the man behind it. Cain knows better than to expect him to do something he doesn't want to do, and Jonas knows better than to ignore the advice.
Where does that leave them, then? At some aggravating impasse, spinning their wheels?
He hates it. And he wants both Cain and Noctis to know he hates it. )
"I don't want to be mean to you" okay that's nice
You still are
Meanwhile I've said sorry to both of you and I get excuses back
Good ones yeah like ik you were hurt really bad by your past with the guy in the reflection
If you're not ready you're not ready
But it beats me how this is just all gonna go away
If you want that then fine, like we can pretend this convo won't be literally the only thing we think about when we look at each other
I wanna be realistic here like I'm not gonna just be able to shake this off
I can't just "go talk to him" now yk that
It's complicated with him too
Everything is now and time/distance isn't doing anything to help
idk what to do
Stay with the caravanners maybe idk
That's not me trying to guilt trip you I just seriously don't think I can be around you guys and be normal about it
no subject
i'm sorry.
i'm being a dick to you
have been, this whole time
i just
i don't know what to do either
but don't stay with them
that's not where you belong
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It really is one big miscommunication, isn't it? He wishes that would make him feel better, but instead it upsets him.
I missed my chance entirely, he thinks. With Cain. With Noctis. In whatever configuration hurt the least. )
I'm sorry too
I'm really sorry like especially for the way I was talking to you
It just wasn't fucking necessary lmfao
I could've just talked to you
Like I do trust you enough to do that I just got too in my head about it
idk where I belong so if you think you do then great
One of us does
You made it out of your situation alive and so did I and that's gotta be enough rn
no subject
i'll still be here
i still want to be here, whatever ends up happening
isn't that what forever is supposed to mean?
we never really talked about that, huh
1/2
Literally how do you talk about something like that?
It's an insane thing to just spring on somebody lol
If you want me around I'll be around, it'll just have to be just plain friendship
idk
I wouldn't be able to just shove everything down
I hope it's just clear that like
2/2
I meant what I said and that won't change
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Why do those words on the screen blur when he looks at them? Cain realizes his eyes have teared up, which makes him grimace, pinching the wetness away before it can build any further.]
how do you say these things to people?
how can i even believe them?
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And idk I just want to be like her if I can
Gentle or whatever
I took a lot of the things I had for granted
I let the things I didn't have make me bitter
I don't want you to wake up one day thinking "shit I regret not trying again" just bc you think you're a piece of shit
If you can't trust you then trust somebody who thinks you're great
no subject
you're pretty incredible yourself
you know that?
i don't think i ever said it
[And if he did, then it wasn't said enough.]
i got lucky, meeting you
1/2
Calling him incredible... Saying he's lucky to have met him... Cain isn't helping the rising feeling in his chest. He knows what it isβan urgency to see himβbut how inappropriate would that be right now? When Noctis is relying on him to wait, and in a way, so is Cain.
He presses the back of his hand to his face, wiping at hot tears.
I'm nothing special. )
When you say it I believe you so
Thanks
2/2
ik that's a fucked up thing to say rn but I just wish you were here
no subject
But he knows why he can't. It isn't even that he sees Noctis as an obstacle, because that would be diminishing the impact Noctis has had on both of them.
Remembering their last conversation, Cain makes an effort. He doesn't want to stop talking to Jonas.]
yeah
i know
i feel the same
hey, can you tell me about your mom?
if you want to
1/3
The fact that Cain asks about his mom changes something.
If Cain wants to get to know her, then he's more than allowed to get to know her son. )
Mom?
Yeah I want to
She was my best friend
2/3
Dad gave it to me when I got out of juvie
She was always saying she'd give it to me when she passed away anyway but it doesn't fit any of my fingers so lol
idk it's the most special thing I own
She was the best you would've really loved her
Everyone did
She was just kind
Like actually kind
That super rare kind where you just always wanted to be near her
3/3
Nobody's ever really been in my corner but her so like
To hear that you guys help to keep me safe and stuff especially after I went through smth awful would really mean a lot to her
no subject
He can still hear about it, and imagine what kind of person Jonas' mother was.]
wish i could've met her.
and i'm sorry that she's gone.
what was her name again? noctis mentioned it once, but
[Well... a lot's happened.]
i wanna know it from you
i get it, though
my sister was my best friend too